Burst Thirty (For Youth):
Thinking Low of Oneself
The habit to continuously judge oneself is a psychological trap. Self-criticism has gained respectability among some, who believe that they can improve by constantly identifying their faults, blaming and condemning themselves. They live in a small world indeed, where their mind – with all its limitations – is the whimsical and nasty ruler.
When I think low of myself, it is surely with reference to certain standards that I have chosen. A tenth standard boy thinks he is not fit to live on this earth if he does not get a certain percentage of marks in his final examination. We can easily see that his limited mind is making a mountain out of a molehill. This is certainly not to say academic performance has no place in life. The part should not rule the whole.
A girl feels very great of herself when the boy she admires falls in love with her. That is natural and fine. All the same, we can see that the human mind of finite knowledge is at play.
When we feel we are good, and when we think we are not good, these judgments have a way to keep us in the realm of the finite. This realm is of memory, conditioning or the past.
Typically we then exercise our will, saying to ourselves, “I again made the mistake; I shall NEVER do this again” etc.
Whether we like it or not, the faculty of willing is generally a part of our life. I am not sure if the question, “Should we will anything or should we not?” has any meaning.
When will power operates in us – with less or more energy – it can be very interesting to watch the movement and notice the role that our past plays in that operation. Do I will, or does my past surface as the will?
Mature living has to be free from mechanical movements. Doing something wrong, repenting it passionately, suffering for a while and then, after getting refreshed, doing that wrong again is a cycle of events that we go through very often. To go to the root of the issue requires a self-observation that is not mechanical. It is a quiet awareness of the whole. It is different from identifying with a part and fighting with another part. A judgment, “I am this way” comes in opposition with the wish, “I should be that way”. Two thought-bundles have created an illusory duality. This division causes inner conflict.
When we see that all judgments are a petty affair, an awakening takes place where the ‘wrong’ ends without any noise. Without the trauma of guilt or shame, the so-called sin evaporates like camphor in the flame of unbiased attention.
Swami Chidananda
Monday, July 26, 2004